Stan’s Story

Stan* is a 10-year-old boy who entered our foster care program three years ago. When he was first placed with his foster parents, he struggled with multiple behavioral problems based on his trauma history. Stan was often aggressive, he struggled with poor attention and low self-esteem, and he faced multiple challenges, socially. 

Stan was at risk. He was hurting. Buckner staff and his foster family dedicated themselves to helping him manage his emotions and improve his behaviors. Over time, with great love and commitment, his foster parents encouraged him and helped him identify ways to help him find his strengths and talents. They eventually provided him the opportunity to take piano lessons, and Stan realized that he loved the piano. 

At a recent recital, Stan took great pride as he expressed his God-given talent to play. Stan has become a different child over the last few years. He is much happier and is getting along well with friends.  He has decreased his aggression to the point that it is rarely an issue for him. His self esteem is improving every day, and he is learning more about himself and the person God intended him to be.

This is our dream at Buckner.Our vision for each child is for them to find God’s redemptive plan for them. A plan no longer marked by harm, but by hope.

As a 10-year-old, Stan is not the typical child families think about when they consider foster care.  However, there are children of all ages in the child protective system, and all of these children are in care because they need safety and protection.

• Approximately 60 percent of the children in care, according to the TDFPS 2010 data book, were 6 years old and older.
• Twenty-eight percent of children in care are teenagers.

At Buckner, we stand ready to help any families that come to us considering foster care and adoption. However, if you are a family considering this ministry, challenge yourself to consider children like Stan who are in desperate need of a family to support and love them.

*Name has been changed

Samela Macon is the foster care program director for Buckner Children and Family Services in Beaumont, Texas.

Written by Tony Merida and Rick Morton, “Orphanology” is a great way to wade into the multitude of diverse issues surrounding orphan care. Their book takes a particular focus on the role of local congregations in caring for the least of these.

As one would hope, the book addresses a multitude of topics, ranging from adoption theology to foster care, adoption, missions, transitional services and support. The particular strength of Merida and Morton’s book, however, is a focus on the role of church leaders in developing a culture of care in their congregation.

One chapter in particular discusses this issue quite successfully, and challenges pastors and lay leaders alike to work towards developing a sensitivity to these issues in their congregations.

“…A church with an orphan care culture will have ministries, teams, printed materials, media, common language, Bible studies, and regular discussions on the topic. They will pray about orphan care in public and private, develop fellowship groups to discuss it, and host events to bring awareness about it. They will celebrate with couples that adopt. They will support the orphan ministries with passion. The church will have an aroma of Christ’s love for the fatherless.”

You’ll find “Orphanology” littered with concrete advice, stories of actual efforts and ministries and a consistent effort to tie the content to scripture’s mandate found in James 1:27.

• Click here for information about how several West Texas churches have banded together to make a difference for children in foster care.
• Click here to download “Abba, Father. A 30 day devotional guide celebrating the Hope of Family,” a devotional guide created by Buckner for further Biblical study of this issue.
• To find out more about how your church can engage with Buckner, check out our Pure Action website here.

Click on the links below for even more information about agencies who exist to connect congregations with orphan care ministries:

Christian Alliance for Orphans
Embrace, Texas
Hope for Orphans
Tapestry, a ministry of Irving Bible Church

Greg Eubanks is the Buckner Area Vice President for National Operations. As an adoptive parent and an adoptive uncle, he is passionate about how Buckner ministries throughout the U.S. help to build strong families, whether through foster care, adoption or a host of other services that prevent families from ever having to separate. He has been with Buckner since 1994.

Whether they are African-American children in the U.S. foster care system, Chinese children abandoned due to the One-Child-Policy, or orphaned children from Ethiopia or Central America, most of the children in need of forever families are not white.  

This has led to more families considering transracial adoption as a means of beginning or growing their families.  But how do you know if you are up to the challenges of transracial adoption?  Consider these questions:

1. Why do we want to adopt?
It’s hard not to feel a tug at your heartstrings when hearing about the plight of children who have been orphaned, neglected or abused. Yet wanting to help a child alone will be insufficient for success as an adoptive parent. 

It is vital for you to identify a deeply held desire to be a parent and make a lifelong commitment to a child. Children need to know that while you are meeting their need for a family, they are also fulfilling your need to be parents.

2. Does race matter?
Some prospective parents say that they don’t see color and that the race of the child they adopt does not matter. If what these parents mean is that they can love a child of any color, then they are on the path to success.  

But the fact is, race does matter. To help a child begin to take pride in the heritage that God bestowed upon them, we first must see that color and not deny its existence. 

Children of color need to know that their adoption is not “Plan B,” and that their parents were purposeful in adopting them. One day your child will want to hear your reasons for adopting a child of color. 

3. Are we prepared to become and be seen as a multi-racial family?
If you are a Caucasian couple, once you adopt a child of color, you will no longer be a “white” family, but will become a multi-racial family. 

People will notice you.  They may stare, ask harmless questions or make hurtful comments. Can you become an advocate for your child of color without becoming defensive?  You may lose some of the white privilege to which you have become accustomed, without even realizing it existed.   You will need to be able to address racial remarks or bias—wherever they occur, perhaps even in your own extended family.

4. Can we offer children the environment and resources that they will need to embrace their race and deal with the racism that they will face in our society?
Look around you. Will your children see their ethnicity reflected in your world? 

Having friends, neighbors and role models who share their racial background will help children to have a sense of racial pride and belonging in their world. Some families have found a “cultural consultant,” someone who shares their child’s racial background, to be of great help in providing them guidance on everything from hair care to knowing how it feels to be a person of color. Transracial adoptees advise parents to make those racial and cultural connections before your child arrives.

Helpful Resources:
I’m Chocolate, You’re Vanilla, by Marguerite Wright
Dim Sum, Bagels, And Grits:  A Sourcebook for Multicultural Families, by Myra Alberson
Below the Surface, a self-assessment guide for families considering adoption across racial or cultural lines.  It can be ordered from PACT at:  http://www.pactadopt.org/store/Transracial-Adoption-Publications-by-Pact.html

Carol Demuth currently works with Buckner Children & Family Services in Dallas as Foster Care/Adoption Supervisor.  She is a licensed clinical social worker, a certified mediator and a licensed child placing administrator with the State of Texas.  She joined the Buckner staff in 1998.

All of us grow up having a preconceived notion of what a family is supposed to be. We would like you to take a glimpse into our lives and what family means to us.

Tim: I came from a wonderful family that enjoyed spending time together. Both of my parents were teachers, and in the summer we would travel across the country together laughing and learning about our nations wonders. My favorite vacation growing up was traveling to Gulf Shores, Alabama each year to spend time on the beautiful sandy beaches where we would meet family from Virginia and enjoy each other’s company. My sister, brother, dad, and I spent hours golfing and fishing making that family bond grow forever between us. Our close knit family relationship was something that Sally had longed for in her past. When she saw the deep respect that I had for my parents, she knew how I would treat her and our future children.

Sally: I had come from a family that had it all, but was still missing something. My dad traveled for business, so I grew up with my brother and my mom most of the time. I became well traveled and enjoyed going to concerts, plays, and visiting other states. Although these things were wonderful, my favorite time was when we would go visit my mom’s side of the family in the tiny town of Oregon, Missouri. My brother and I would race bikes, four wheelers, and enjoy helping out around my cousin’s pig farm in a town of one thousand. Family became most important to me when I began to look for my best friend, my soon –to-be husband.

Tim and Sally: Our family began December 27, 2003. We met at a golf course in College Station, Texas three years earlier. Sally was working behind the counter, when a young man with brown eyes came up to ask a question. She can still picture the look on his face when he heard the answer, “Yes!”

After graduating from Texas A&M with a degree in English literature, Sally worked for an insurance company, while Tim finished his degree from Texas A&M in Economics. We were soon facing the tough choice we must all face: what should we do with the rest of our lives? On one hand we could both have corporate jobs that would allow us to have all the worldly desires one could want, and on the other we could choose careers that would allow us to spend as much family time together as we could. After much prayer, and discussion, we both decided that teaching was what we were meant to do. We picked up from College Station and moved to Orange, TX to pursue our goals. We began the next season of our lives with Tim becoming an Advanced Placement Government teacher and basketball coach, and Sally teaching Pre-AP English at local schools.

Our family soon grew in the Spring of 2006 with the birth of our daughter, Addison. She brings such joy to our lives, and we were beyond thrilled becoming parents. Now in kindergarten, she is enjoying learning piano, ballet, and bible verses in AWANA at our church. Our summers and school holidays are spent together at home watching her grow up, enjoying her, and sharing her joy as she learns new skills. Teaching allows us to take wonderfully long vacations in the summer together such as driving up the east coast to New York and back, while stopping along the way to see extended family. Tim’s family beach trips to Gulf Shores now include Addison and Sally as well; something that finally made us feel like our family has come full circle.

Three years ago, we moved to Humble in the Houston area, and after a miscarriage and being diagnosed with secondary infertility we felt that our family was still not complete. Our faith and church family were there for us during that heartbreaking time, and looking back we can see that God was using others to teach us to open our minds to how a family can be created. We believe, now that we have both turned thirty this year, that we want to include not only a child, but their parents into our family as well. We know there may be ups and downs along the way, but we are excited that you might want to become part of our family.

Tim and Sally

1. Domestic infant adoption – adopting a newborn from a birth mom facing a crisis pregnancy.

2. Foster to Adopt – accepting placement of a child from the foster care system with hopes to adopt that child when and if he or she becomes available for adoption.  Typically for younger ages, but can be for children of all ages.

3. Waiting Child Adoption – adopting a child from the foster care system who is already legally available for adoption.  Typically for older children, sibling groups and those with special needs.

4. International Adoption – adopting a child from another country.  For children of all ages, including sibling groups and special needs.

So, how do you know which path to take?  It’s a personal decision, but here are some questions to ask yourself while you pray, educate yourself and prepare to decide:

1. How much risk can I tolerate? Though all adoption involves risk, each type involves different types of risk. Can I risk a birth mom choosing to parent? Can I risk an international government changing their laws? Can I risk parenting a child with challenging behaviors and a history of trauma?

2. How much can I afford? Some adoptions cost in the thousands of dollars while others cost very little. Certainly, financial aid is frequently available as well as tax credits for adoption costs.

3. What type of child can I best parent? Older or younger? Sibling group or single? Am I
open to a child of a different ethnicity than my own? What level of special needs can I meet?

4. What is my motivation? Why am I pursuing adoption, and what impact does that have on the specific avenue I choose for my adoption journey?

5. To what extent does my faith play a part in my decision? Do I feel compelled towards one type of adoption over another because of my spiritual beliefs? Has God called me to a particular choice for adoption?

Ask yourself these questions, and if you’re ready to learn more, attend a “Be a Family” meeting in your area. At these meetings, you’ll meet other interested families and will connect with professional Buckner staff who can talk you through the different options.

And after all of that, be flexible. At Buckner, we believe that if you’re interested in adoption, then God will lead you through to the best option for your family. He will provide throughout the journey, with all of its stops and starts, lows and highs. Are you ready?

Greg Eubanks is the Buckner Area Vice President for National Operations. As an adoptive parent and an adoptive uncle, he is passionate about how Buckner ministries throughout the U.S. help to build strong families, whether through foster care, adoption or a host of other services that prevent families from ever having to separate. He has been with Buckner since 1994.

By Chelsea Quackenbush
Photos by Lauren Hollon Sturdy
Buckner International

BEAUMONT – Dave “Daddy Dave” Bleakley first met Amelia by chance at a Buckner Children’s Village reunion in Beaumont. Two-week-old Amelia was the youngest alumna and Daddy Dave was the oldest. Buckner staff thought it would make a cool photo, so they placed the tiny girl in his arms.

“What’s her name?” he asked.

“Amelia.”

His eyes welled with tears. His late wife, known fondly as “Mama Anne,” never let anyone call her by her real name – Amelia Anne Bleakley. At the time, no one knew that circumstances over the next few months would bring them back together.

Daddy Dave’s story

Daddy Dave is a Buckner alumnus and one of its greatest advocates. He lived at the Buckner Orphans Home in Dallas with his older brother and sister in the 1940s when he was just 4 years old.

Raised in a broken home in southeast Arkansas, and then shuffled between family members all over Texas, a pastor in Port Arthur found them a place at Buckner.

He vividly recalls wanting to break out of the fence that surrounded the campus. He knew it was the only thing separating him from happiness. So when Buckner staff asked him what they could do to get him to stop crying, he said he wanted to play outside. His plan was to escape when no one was looking.

Little did Daddy Dave know, the staff knew what he was up to. So they held him close the whole time until he calmed down.

“Nothing can fill the void like love, and that’s what they did,” Daddy Dave said. “We believed it was important to teach Jenn [his daughter] that message because that’s what Buckner taught us.”

According to Buckner staff, Daddy Dave puts a smile on everyone’s face when he walks through the door. He encourages Buckner children by sharing his story.

Parenting with grace

Daddy Dave’s daughter, Jennifer Guerra, and her husband Ricky, decided to become foster parents after their birth daughter, Avery Anne, passed away in 2008 at the age of 4 due to complications with complex congenital heart disease.

“We knew she was just the girl God decided her to be,” Jennifer said. “But we knew we couldn’t have more kids, so Buckner was our only option.”

The day they received their foster parent certification, the Guerras got the call about taking Amelia in for a 14-day respite period when she was 4 months old. Her previous foster mother was sick and couldn’t care for her. The emergency placement turned long-term, and soon after, Amelia became available for adoption. Everything else fell into place.

Jenn and Ricky had two other foster daughters, Elizabeth, who was 5 at the time, and Zoey, who was 2. They said Amelia was stiff and reserved at first. She startled at loud noises. But it didn’t take long to become part of the family, and soon she warmed up to the other girls.

“You just had this certainty in your heart that God is moving, which is unusual in this field because everything is so uncertain,” Beaumont director of foster care and adoption Samela Macon said. “Daddy Dave taught Jenn how to serve. He has a servant’s heart. The Guerras have made a tremendous difference in the lives of the children they fostered.”

Daddy’s girl

Now Amelia is a “daddy’s girl.” Her face lights up when Ricky gets home from work in the evening. Her first word was “Dada.” Everyone says they look alike.

“That’s the sweetest thing, seeing the Lord fill that void they had,” Daddy Dave said. “It was affirmation that it was the Lord, his hand in the beautiful tapestry he’s woven.

“The wonder of all wonder is that God would choose to bless our family through the life of another little girl with my late wife as her namesake. She favors little Avery Anne and acts like Mama Anne. And to think that our Lord would choose to perform such an act of mercy through the same Buckner ministry he used 67 years ago to rescue my life as a 4-year-old child. Only he can perform such miracles.”

The Guerras have postponed their position as foster parents because in December, they will have another unexpected addition to their family – Jennifer is pregnant with a little boy, Noah Blake.

Amelia bounces around the room, between her parents and Daddy Dave, smiling and showing them her baby dolls.

“She’s theirs now,” Daddy Dave said. “But I always tell them ‘I held her first.’”

This story originally appeared in the Fall 2011 Edition of Buckner Today.

I recently visited with some alumni of the foster care system in our Buckner office in Lubbock.  We had lunch together and talked about their experiences over pizza.  Here’s the advice they wanted me to share with you:

1.  Acknowledge that my history has forever changed who I am. “The day I was removed [from my family’s care] made me a completely different person,” said one alumnus. Become experts on helping kids and youth through trauma, loss, fear and loneliness. Expect that we’re not like ‘normal’ kids. We have messed up backgrounds. When you sign up to be a foster parent, understand that you’ve signed up to help us work it out.

2. Be ready to commit! Understand the type of child you can best parent. How much attention and supervision are you willing and able to give? Once you accept me into your home, be ready to stick with me, no matter what comes. [Buckner staff can be a great support here!]

3. Think about older kids!  People often think about younger kids when they talk about foster care. “We need families who can parent us older kids, too, even though we may not always say it,” said another alumna. You don’t have to have all the answers. Even young foster parents should think about us, because they can relate more, are more active, and have more energy.

4. Have a good marriage. We need you strong to help us manage the challenges we face. Also, we learn from what we see.

5. Let us make some of our own choices. “It lets us practice making decisions, and we can learn from both good and bad ones while we have you there to keep us safe, comfort us when we are hurting, and help us get back on track.”

Greg Eubanks is the Buckner Area Vice President for National Operations, and lives in  Dallas. As an adoptive parent and an adoptive uncle, he is passionate about how Buckner ministries throughout the U.S. help to build strong families, whether through foster care, adoption or a host of other services that prevent families from ever having to separate. He has been with Buckner since 1994.

By Jenny Pope
Buckner International

Hishia and Rickey Conner have parented more than 70 children in the past five years at Buckner Children’s Home in Lubbock, Texas.

“Some reunite with their families, some age out. But most of them keep in touch and let us know how they are doing. We try to provide for them when we can,” Hishia said.

The Conners fell into foster parenting after a family friend told them about the opening at Buckner Children’s Home in 2005. Since both Hishia and Rickey grew up in a big family, they knew they could handle a large group of kids.

But caring for 10-12 children at one time isn’t without its challenges. One teenage girl used the window as often as the door at one point, running away to meet her boyfriend.  The Conners would call the police and spend long nights searching for her time and again.

“It was one of the biggest challenges we’ve had,” Rickey said. “But we have a lot of love for these kids. Our hearts are open to them.”

Hishia said finding the strength to care for so many children takes having a big heart and a lot of patience.  “You have to remember the kids are the ones suffering, and the kids don’t deserve it. Some parents take a long time to get back on track and kids just have to wait on them while they are doing that.”

One thing Rickey and Hishia promise all their children is a listening ear, treating each child as their own and assuring them they will always be there no matter what happens in the future.

“Faith has brought us here and kept us here,” Hishia said. “We’re doing God’s work. We’re a family.”

“Bringing a child home through adoption is as joyful, if not more so, for the family as having biological children, and we want our friends and family to prepare with us and celebrate with us as they would for a biological child (shower, a card, etc.). My biological children have baby books full of cards that came when they arrived, along with many photos. My adopted child has two cards in his album. I worry that someday he will notice the difference and wonder why.”
- Lori Risinger Heinrich

“Be sensitive—if that family has had the child two years or two months or two days, the adoption day is still just as special.”
- Veronica Adkison Rountree

What you can do: Send a card, give a shower or hold a reception or small party. If you have a gift for photography, offer to take some family portraits.

2. Help around the house
When parents bring home a newborn from the hospital, they’re often met with lots of helping hands. Adoptive families need just as much help as parents of newborns! You can bless them by sharing some of your extra time and energy.

“We have friends that bring meals when we least expect it! They help so much when we are just trying to adjust with a new one!”
- Kara Guinn Curfman

What you can do: Bring over a home cooked meal, clean their bathrooms, do a load of laundry, mow their yard – anything that will give the family some relief from the pressures of daily life and more time to focus on bonding and adjusting.

3. Cut them some slack
Don’t expect a new adoptive family to be able to keep all the commitments they used to, no matter what age their new child is.

Mom and Dad are exhausted, and their child is learning how to live in a family, and even a new culture. Social situations can be overwhelming for everyone involved, and those obligations usually have to be put on hold until life at home settles down.

What you can do: Don’t be upset or hurt if calls or e-mails aren’t returned. Let it slide and know that life will return to normal eventually.

4. Listen, listen, listen
Adoptive families have unique challenges and struggles. Give them space to share frustrations and vent without feeling judged.

“I was thankful to have people who allowed me to pour out my heart without making me feel as if I had betrayed my child or didn’t appreciate the incredible gift and blessing I’d been given. They gave me an outlet, which gave me the strength to be what my child needed as he learned to trust me.”
- Lori Risinger Heinrich

What you can do: Cry with the new family in the heartaches and celebrate with them in the triumphs. You may get tired of hearing the same problems over and over again, but the family needs your support and love.

5. Give Mom and Dad a breather
Many adoptive parents will hardly have time to think straight or sometimes even take a shower, much less any quality alone time to enjoy each other’s company.

“[What blessed me was] giving me a break and taking him to park as I was adjusting to parenthood. Just being there and loving our family as our lives changed.”
- Kari Forrest Hunt

What you can do: Come over and babysit for the new parents. If it’s too soon for the kids to be alone with a sitter, offer to come over after the children are asleep so that parents can take a short walk or have a coffee date.

Four Things That Should Be Left Unsaid:

1. Don’t give unsolicited parenting advice.
This is particularly true for parents who have adopted older children or foster children. If you haven’t parented a child who has lived through trauma, you can’t know what’s best for that child. Don’t offer suggestions or advice unless they ask you for it.

2. Don’t ask about the child’s past.
“We are proud of [our son] and all he’s overcome. We long to tell you EVERYTHING about what a miracle he is, but the story is our child’s to tell, not ours. When the questions become prying and personal, it is very uncomfortable for us. We don’t want to hurt your feelings, but for our child, we have to find a nice way to tell you it’s none of your business.”
- Lori Risinger Heinrich

3. Don’t ask, “Which children are yours?”
Biological or adopted, it makes no difference. All of the children are theirs.

4. Don’t comment on a child’s appearance or ethnicity in front of him or her.
“If my child looks different than the rest of the family, chances are we’ve already noticed, and chances are he has too. Hearing constant comments about it does not help him to feel like he belongs.”
- Lori Risinger Heinrich

Do you have other suggestions for ways to bless new adoptive families? Leave them in the comments below!

We have enough daily bread in our homes to feed a small army, usually. If not, we can run to the store and pick some up. How many people around the world pray these words in earnest, gut wrenching hunger: “Lord, please give us this day, today, the bread we need to survive another day”?

Why did we adopt from Ethiopia? Because God has given us our daily bread and asked us to share it with others. Because 1 in 10 children in Ethiopia is an orphan. Because this summer, in the Horn of Africa, 29,000 children under the age of 6 died of starvation, and that’s not the first time.

Why adopt at all? God calls us to love and to give and to share our lives with others. The question really should be, “Why not adopt?”

There are 147,000,000 orphans in the world. That’s 147 million children without a family to love them, tuck them in at night, sing songs, read them stories, take them to church, make them laugh, kiss their injuries, celebrate birthdays or feed them their daily bread.

There are 147 million children ready and willing to love a family, to make them laugh, make them cry with complete joy, celebrate Mothers Day and Fathers Day, fight with siblings, play with the family pet, bring home great grades, help set the table, sing songs they learned in Sunday School and eat their daily bread.

The love goes both ways. People always tell us our daughter is so blessed, so lucky. We see it the other way as well. She has blessed us and brought us more joy and love then we ever imagined. She is our daughter and while her skin may be a darker shade of brown than her mom or dad, her heart and her insides are just like ours. Family doesn’t mean you all look just alike, just that you love each other as God loves.  Who is missing from your family? 

Sharon Kirkpatrick Felton and her husband, Keith, live in Hamilton, Texas. They adopted their 3-year-old daughter from Ethiopia in 2009 through Buckner. They have two biological sons who are 10 and 7 years old.